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requiems: (estelle β˜™ fields of gold)

FRIENDS ONLY

I'm trying to use my journal more again! Mostly a fresh slate as the majority of the old entries are privatised. Nobody needs to see those.

Anon is on: comment to be added and if I know you, I'll add you back. These days I do a lot of writing; you can find me on AO3 at [archiveofourown.org profile] bowblade or on twitter at [twitter.com profile] ylissean.

You can find my muselist over here. I'm largely retired from RP due to my M.E. but sometimes the mood strikes.

I am giving away old journal names for muses I no longer have. Please check this thread.
requiems: (ashe β˜™ i'm the queen around these parts)
See title... Estelline fic is requiring a lot more work than I believed it would as I continue to trim on every pass, and whilst I do of course still love it, I desperately want to be done with it so I can go back to writing about ouihaw... this is what happens when you finish Heavensward and vaguely start Stormblood and that's no longer the vibe you're looking for. I've also just been struggling with words and worth in general - I probably need a break, but I feel like I'm constantly having a break when there's days I can't write and I have to write so I don't go crazy!! It's tough. The first five chapters/27k is up, though. C6 and C7 are finalised, C8 is next.

In my "I miss my girls" state, I opened up the sims 4 after not doing so since last December and spent thirteen hours over last weekend moving my ouihaw yeehaw ranch save from a 30x20 lot to a 64x64 lot and instead of building from scratch, used the pre-existing blueprint to make each room ever so slightly bigger, so it keeps the cozy country vibes but it's not as pokey and the daughters have actual individual rooms now. And the horsies have a paddock and space to roam πŸ₯Ή I do not recommend building like this it was a nightmare, although it was worth it. I'll take some screenshots of the new and improved house next time I play.

And in the trifecta of "I MISS ASHE TAILS I MISS HER A LOT" let's talk about my Ashe stadium build.

For a girl who was so against stadium pre-launch I sure do talk about it a lot... )
requiems: (dva β˜™ cruiser)
My body screamed over sesame seeds for ten days and finally calmed down. Me eating hummus like, so why don't you care about this, it's sesame. Body shrugs. More hummus please.

I seem to have escaped grocery PEM entirely other than same day, and a little when I woke up that turned out to be needing to eat. I'm so used to being useless through Friday or Sunday, this hasn't happened for over a year. I'm not going to do anything crazy with it, but I was able to write today, whereas usually I'd have to give it a wide berth until Friday at the earliest. I do have to do some tidying though, because next week new furniture time begins!! Futureproofing my living space is go. My dad has been onboard with it as a concept and willing to go collect orders from Ikea for me and then assemble it after, I'm very fortunate.

After some thought, I decided on D.Va for the second galactic weapon over Juno, since Juno has. Barely any skins on account of being still relatively new. Whereas D.Va has tons and many of them combo really well with the purple, only one of my favourites doesn't, soooo...




Yes Nocturna has sidecar bunnies wearing Squirtle squad sunglasses. Their names are Persephone and Adonis and I love them.

From playing Stadium - me and duo are doing one or two games a night, depending on length - I should have enough comp points by the end of the season for a third galactic weapon, and from drives, a fourth! Those will be for Juno and Brigitte. Next season I'll be saving up again for likely Ashe, but also mystery tank lady releasing in November/December, because she might be an omnic and wolf themed and a gladiator and hngh. I kind of still like the all women with golds idea, too... it's too on brand...

I've ventured into playing some Ashe in stadium and after I figured out a build that plays to my strengths and also embraces how gimmicky stadium is, it's been bangin'. Literally. Lots of dynamite. Lots of fire. The first game I went in on the other dps threw a tantrum because Ashe apparently doesn't win stadium games and proceeded to pull out their throw pick and afk for multiple rounds, and we won 4v5, so, :') the build with my duo on Mercy works, ok. Slowly but surely we'll get out of rookie and novice leagues again, maybe.

Relating to absolutely nothing, these two victory poses match. This is entirely a stick-up. I'm having so many thoughts.
requiems: (kairi β˜™ step forward)
A, "this might be easier to navigate than a note on my phone" type of entry. I'm slowly working on a full replay of XIV again, and I reached Stormblood! But having played a few other games this year already (Lost Records, Caravan Sandwitch) I think I'm itching for a few brand new narratives and experiences, so here's what I have on hand.

This doesn't include games I want to play that I've already beaten once and have the platinum for. I've noted the amount of trophies, estimated difficulty and time to platinum on those I'm most interested in trying/know something about, courtesy of psnprofiles - I might eventually link the trophy guides if I start playing them. Games with a ⭐️ are those I would play regardless of length or difficulty.

Games with a strikethrough I have veto'd. If you want to enable me into anything on this list, feel free, I'm listening!

Games I have downloaded on my external hardrive )

PLAYSTATION PLUS )

Other games I own )
requiems: (fe8 β˜™ magvel)
This was supposed to be my restful week, and instead I've spent most of it sleeping terribly and in inexplicable stomach pain featuring nausea, existing with my waking hours in the bathroom. I learned my body definitely doesn't like sesame seeds in one way (it's fine in another), since it was a bit grumbly about it, but that was Sunday; Wednesday daytime it decided to scream, and continued to scream, until the early hours of Friday morning. I only ate once on Thursday, and that was less a choice of "it's settled" and more "I haven't eaten for 28 hours, I need to eat something". And even then it screamed today over lunch for several hours... it hasn't screamed over dinner and the nausea finally let up, although it's still a bit gripey, so I'm hoping it's calming down over its erratic upset...

S17 of Overwatch is... something of a letdown, skins wise. i'll never leave and i know this but why do we have to suffer so )

In the throes of the terrible tummy ache I tried picking up a new game, After Us. The Earth has been destroyed by the devourers (humans) and it is a commentary on consumerism and environmental damage, and it's Gaia's duty to rescue animal spirits. I was having fun with it; it looked beautiful, the platforming had terrible moments with depth perception, but it was doable once it gave you access to your dash about five minutes of basic jumps in.

It was mostly just, visual enjoyment. Vibes. Linear exploration. And then it throws enemies at you: but this is a game without a combat system. how to exclude your casual audience after they're invested: don't do this )

Now I have to find something else to play. I might make a list of what I have access to next time.
requiems: (juno β˜™ stars)
Half way through the year to my birthday and bad months... dread. I think I figured out what I initially want for a first round order of furniture, Sorbet levelling is proceeding really well, Estelline msq is struggling, and fic is so-so. Having a lot of trouble with only being able to read very little and feeling overly critical of myself lately.

I also got a different supplement with a lower folate amount and my body isn't reacting badly to it (it's 100 for one, you're meant to take two a day, so I'll work up to that). Baby steps.

Drives were did! Thursday my duo and I were very fortunate and got through the first two tiers no problem, and the same with the third tier on Friday. Saturday I did the last two tiers solo and it truly was a mixed bag of leavers and brand new DPS players (I am plat/diamond border. I should not be seeing this, ever), but I got there in the end. We... did not succeed with our final day of the season goals in stadium though, LMAO. Terrible time to do it when the playerbase is largely in comp so matchmaker is even more erratic... lesson learned. I really hope they don't do stadium drives at the same time as comp drives next season, or at the very least, lock it to some experience of the mode...?? I'll miss Dokiwatch. Magical girlies you deserved so much more than what they gave you.



I did finally get myself a galactic weapon though! As you may recall, I was debating getting golds for every female character in the game, which is still a secondary option once I get a few more galactics. I have learned the hero gallery preview does them zero justice and makes them textureless blobs, and there's really no way to preview it other than getting it yourself or catching someone using one and going to check it out in the replay viewer to see how nice it is. I definitely want galactics for D.Va, Juno and Brigitte, and have enough for another one right now, I'll simply have to decide which...

The one I did get first was for Mercy. She was my first gold weapon, she has my most playtime, it has to be her. Never escaping the Mercy main allegations.



The purple as a complimentary accent for the blue is soooo nice, though. (Might have made financial choices with the Freja legendary and princess Mercy skins. The skin itself had to grow on me but the weapons were instantly my favourite Mercy models. Listen there was too much specifically made for me this season alright).




Purble.

Season 17 tomorrow! Pray for Ashe things. πŸ™ Pls give me access to old BP content Blizzard I want one Ashe highlight intro only. 😭
requiems: (serah β˜™ promises)
It's been really humid at night so I've been struggling to sleep, and am thus not really trying for another hour or so (past dawn)... this bodes ill when it's going to be 30c until Sunday.

Drives week in Overwatch begins tomorrow, so here's hoping the games are clean so I don't have to fight my own teammates in a heatwave. My duo and I did our open placements earlier in the season so we are READY with OPTIONS. We've been doing a stadium game a night, mostly; we've gotten really good at one tricking our chosen picks and can turn games around using them and our inane survivability on stalling points. Tonight I got to elite (yay)!! ...honestly stadium is fun despite my earlier misgivings for it, although they still apply; it's heavily dependant on having a game plan and playing with somebody else. And at times, dragging your underperforming Cassidy kicking and screaming toward the finish line whilst you have double his cash. Lol.

Because we've been doing a lot of stadium we've been making a decent chunk of comp points naturally. Galactic weapons as a substitution for next season's BP and shop being full of stuff for heroes I don't play? Yeah. The sakura themed skins may put me in mega danger, though.

I'm still thinking about furniture. I have ideas. the conceptual ikea haul has progressed to multiple pieces )
requiems: (carmen β˜™ time for tea)
Been feeling increasingly distressed at my inability to look after myself, aka, the fact I can't clean and dust my flat. 🫠 The dust in particular. I don't really know what to do about it; it's not something that can be done in a slow and steady fashion when the slow and steady you're now capable of is maybe one object per day. Like that is absolutely not achievable, not only as thing would be dusty again by the time I finish doing one area but because the base of where the object is has to be wiped down, all objects need to moved first.

Taking a week to do a section felt rough, taking a month to do an even smaller section felt worse, and now I can't do it at all. I am incredibly envious of normal bodies being able to entirely clean their living spaces in one or two afternoons. As always, if I didn't have to eat or clean up following that, imagine how many more spoons I might have... food truly is the source of all my predicaments...

I've thought about maybe just paying someone to clean but the only thing I'd be comfortable with someone doing that for would be my bathroom, and possibly the kitchen. Everything else is a no go; frankly I don't trust a stranger with being careful enough with my precious things, and I need to put things back in their proper places myself. There's also just, we're still in a pandemic lmao and I don't like strangers in my safe space considering I can't leave it and I can't tolerate having people in my living space as is (thanks PEM), I can't see my family. Anyways.

Still haven't had the energy to look into bathroom stuff - the weekend has been quiet on the noise front, but now the adrenaline has gone I feel awful and my body has taken this as a convenient means to wake up after four hours of sleep routinely again (bad). But amidst distress I've been recontemplating furniture. I have a desk in my room, which I don't use for intended purpose. I had it because when I moved out I was still studying and it was useful when living with someone. Since I got ME, and I was living alone before that, I have used it... maybe twice. If anything it's a convenient height surface to put things on. The drawer is useful, as is its side storage, but I might be better off getting some more billy bookcases (with doors), maybe shuffling the location of some stored things around, and using the new spaces as figure display...?? I'm still ruminating honestly. I do like the not-desk, I just think the space could be better utilised... it's a tough one.

Then there's the nagging voice of "but what if I need it (doesn't like change)" and "but what if I need it (I get better)". The second of those is a cruel thought to carry around. But this is how it always feels when removing society-normal things out of my life; it's having to admit that you won't, surrender a bit more hope, and mourn even more.
requiems: (estelline β˜™ dragonsong)
Finished my first pass at Estelline's fic! This is particularly good, since I wasn't able to write for seven days and it was driving me a bit stir crazy. I cut about 5k words, so now it's 55k in total. I need to go through it again for final checks but it's in a state where it can soon be posted, which is deliberately timed with me finishing Heavensward; I've been getting Sorbet through the initial push of levelling a first DOW job through 80/90, plus her DOH/DOL and it's going reasonably well, she got lucky with some GC handins so one DOH is at dwarves already, WHM is 77, she should get picto over the weekend which opens up the arksadora dailies and hunts sprint - but back to Estelline, the focus on Sorbet was a result of not having the capability, physically or mentally, to really focus on MSQ, so I took a small break (and played Caravan SandWitch on the side. I liked it! Not sure if I'll ramble about it yet, I might). I'm hoping to do 3.4 and 3.5 over the weekend and have her set up for Stormblood.

Stormblood will be a mixture... I left off with Ai following the liberation of Doma, so I'm going to do the initial Ala Mhigo part with Estelline, get her to Kugane with doing Sirensong, and then swap over to Ai to play out the other half. As I have the opportunity to see the plot hooks back to back without several weeks of Doma in the middle and time for my brain to forget, this feels like a good chance to take it.

This week has been very noisy. My upstairs neighbours are having work done on their bathroom, which I found out at 8:15am on Monday when the hammering and drilling and buzzsawing started. Sometimes over my head, because the connecting wall is the wall I sleep against. The workmen have been here every day since through about 2-3pm - except for yesterday, when they were here until 6pm. :') this was Bad as my desire for No Noise Time had to take precedence over sleeping so I got like. An hour and a half of actual sleep before the morning chorus. I did drown it out a bit with a fan today to try to get a little more, but unfortunately that means I have to listen to the fan, which as we already know, is not a real solution... being housebound is awful sometimes.

Thing is I know the size of their bathroom. It's the same as mine. It's miniscule. I'm hoping it's a week and done, I don't want to imagine this next week with groceries PEM, it's bad enough as is. My weekly things, aside from noise, are done after next Tuesday, so I can have a bit of a break and go back to trying to tackle the folate problem and also the GP-do-your-job problem, and maybe, just maybe, have the energy to look at a several thousand page catalogue of what I want for my bathroom renovation, lmao. rip.
requiems: (serah β˜™ through memories)
So, the bloodtests I went for? Something wrong with me confirmed. This is very exciting, because not only does this never happen, it's actually treatable. What a novelty.

the unexpected contender: low folate )

but wait. there's more. )

My plan right now is, supplements, surviving the next few weeks as every week has something on until the end of June (I am already in the bad place, I am not looking forward to it), and seeing how those change things. Either way the NHS should do a follow up on folate with another blood test but lol, they have not motioned for that, so I am going to ask them for one in say, three months, so end of August, where I'll also ask them for a full thyroid check and CA-125 again.

This entry is kind of rough, my brain has been on fire for days but it's important so I tried to order my thoughts before groceries happen again and I will once again be worse. Do not get sick. Comorbidities bad.
requiems: (lightning β˜™ valkyrie)
It's maintenance, it's been a week, figuratively and literally. The post groceries PEM only really started to lift yesterday (Sunday) and I still feel sluggish and as though I'm moving through wet cement, and that's with all my precautions. I should not leave the house on Wednesday for a blood test, but given they've made me wait six weeks for it, I don't really have a choice...

Food wise, I am mostly back to pre-November levels of paradoxical diarrhoea and constipation, by heavily restricting my diet, upping the fybogel, and taking gaviscon during the day with omeprazole at night. Some foods I don't fucking get. There is nothing in them ingredients wise that I have an aversion to, but they keep causing problems. Others are like, okay, is there too much fat content in this meal overall, and if there isn't, having cheese with it will be fine. What's really pissing me off though is that I was eating well before I started having these aversions. Now I can eat a fraction of that. I can eat like, four whole vegetable types, everything else is off the table, possibly permanently. There isn't much more of any food to get rid of, and that's what troubles me. It's done this once. Twice, if you count gallstones. What happens if it does it again?

And really, it's same old same old, as it has been since early 2022. I wake up physically and mentally languished. I have zero energy. Food will get me energy. But eating means I have to suffer the consequences of having eaten, but I have to do it, or else my head will not stop hurting. It takes a significant amount of mental fortitude to do this day in day out, especially when it is the only thing you do. Like. I don't think health care gets this. I would have stopped eating a long time ago if I could. The most I can hope for and have again achieved is to get to a point where my paradoxical diarrhoea is "manageable", where it happens regularly at the same time every day, but it's still there. It's nice not to have constant pain and nausea from the gallstones, but the trade-off has been a heavily lowered baseline to the point where I still can't see people and have to be more conservative with my energy than ever.

And it quite frankly sucks. Add in the fact my body is trying, and failing, to have a period, and is fighting the PMDD related brain gremlins... I don't have the energy for facing this. I fully expect my blood tests to come back as "you're fine" because they always do. Yeah, sure. I'm fine but you checking this has me paralysed in bed. Sure. Sounds fantastically fine.

I'm still working on Estelline's fic, on and off, to keep my mind watered, have been trying to play Heavensward when I can recall the last line of dialogue that was just on screen, poor levels of success. It's funny because fic is mostly just Sad. No one is having a good time. There's three sex scenes and they are all Sad, the two aftermath scenes following them are Sad, everyone is miserable. Until the end, when it becomes a bit more bittersweet. Classic Heavensward tbh.

I am, I think, mostly done with gpose... I lowered the amount for Prih, because actually, the moment I want you to see her for the first time is when Estelline really sees her for the first time, when she saves her life. It's visually poetic. The only thing I need is more Artoirel, but, patches. He moves around in patches. Please uncross your arms at least once, sir. I beg.

What else... I returned to Stadium in Overwatch, which I still don't really like. i am enjoying it more now that I figured out what to do with it but it's not really what I'm here for... )
requiems: (emet-selch β˜™ once lived)
me, I am taking a break from working on undercoverfic, a longfic, where I have spent six weeks rewriting and editing approximately the first 18k words, and the first six chapters of twenty eight.

the break in question:

don't worry about it.

that said... it mostly just needs touch-ups and a bit of readjustment here and there; this is what picking out a little of it for the riversmeet reunion taught me. 60-80k words are usually all quality. 100k is when it gets a bit dicey. tmyk.

i have been doing gpose during estelline's heavensward playthrough to pair with this - i need some more for patches, but i might wait until i'm actually in patches to do it. i also need to rehn gpose (not many, perhaps 2-3) and prih gpose (lots! i need to get certain armour and a drk sword for her and also cut her hair to its original, she's gonna be so baby it's gonna be emotional), and lastly amΓ©lie doing weird creepy shit for the mandatory echo scene. she is causing problems on purpose.
requiems: (zelda β˜™ sage of time)
I've not really stopped picking up figures, but the last time I added to my collection in any way was in 2023 - an Aloy nendoroid, which I preordered in 2022. And before that, some other P/O's and ebay scouting for Ashe's nendoroid (she was expensive in the aftermarket, but I got her).

The thing is is like. I have such a hard time taking care of myself with all my health problems I have not been able to dust my flat in three years. I tried, last summer; insert wisdom teeth issues. I should try again, but I am once again in a state of if I move my abdomen too much in any direction, I feel cripplingly nauseous and sick. If I can't clean what I already have, and most of my figures are still in boxes, it follows I shouldn't get more. I have the money to do so, I just. Feel like I shouldn't. A no cleaning Rems does not deserve visual closure enrichment. But I really would like to at last get a display cabinet set up somewhere, and there are still some...

Kotobukiyas )

Nendoroids and figmas )

Pop Up Parade )

Statues )
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