requiems

This was supposed to be my restful week, and instead I've spent most of it sleeping terribly and in inexplicable stomach pain featuring nausea, existing with my waking hours in the bathroom. I learned my body definitely doesn't like sesame seeds in one way (it's fine in another), since it was a bit grumbly about it, but that was Sunday; Wednesday daytime it decided to scream, and continued to scream, until the early hours of Friday morning. I only ate once on Thursday, and that was less a choice of "it's settled" and more "I haven't eaten for 28 hours, I need to eat something". And even then it screamed today over lunch for several hours... it hasn't screamed over dinner and the nausea finally let up, although it's still a bit gripey, so I'm hoping it's calming down over its erratic upset...

S17 of Overwatch is... something of a letdown, skins wise. ( i'll never leave and i know this but why do we have to suffer so )

In the throes of the terrible tummy ache I tried picking up a new game, After Us. The Earth has been destroyed by the devourers (humans) and it is a commentary on consumerism and environmental damage, and it's Gaia's duty to rescue animal spirits. I was having fun with it; it looked beautiful, the platforming had terrible moments with depth perception, but it was doable once it gave you access to your dash about five minutes of basic jumps in.

It was mostly just, visual enjoyment. Vibes. Linear exploration. And then it throws enemies at you: but this is a game without a combat system. ( how to exclude your casual audience after they're invested: don't do this )

Now I have to find something else to play. I might make a list of what I have access to next time.

Current Mood: tired

So, the bloodtests I went for? Something wrong with me confirmed. This is very exciting, because not only does this never happen, it's actually treatable. What a novelty.

( the unexpected contender: low folate )

( but wait. there's more. )

My plan right now is, supplements, surviving the next few weeks as every week has something on until the end of June (I am already in the bad place, I am not looking forward to it), and seeing how those change things. Either way the NHS should do a follow up on folate with another blood test but lol, they have not motioned for that, so I am going to ask them for one in say, three months, so end of August, where I'll also ask them for a full thyroid check and CA-125 again.

This entry is kind of rough, my brain has been on fire for days but it's important so I tried to order my thoughts before groceries happen again and I will once again be worse. Do not get sick. Comorbidities bad.

Current Mood: sick

It's maintenance, it's been a week, figuratively and literally. The post groceries PEM only really started to lift yesterday (Sunday) and I still feel sluggish and as though I'm moving through wet cement, and that's with all my precautions. I should not leave the house on Wednesday for a blood test, but given they've made me wait six weeks for it, I don't really have a choice...

Food wise, I am mostly back to pre-November levels of paradoxical diarrhoea and constipation, by heavily restricting my diet, upping the fybogel, and taking gaviscon during the day with omeprazole at night. Some foods I don't fucking get. There is nothing in them ingredients wise that I have an aversion to, but they keep causing problems. Others are like, okay, is there too much fat content in this meal overall, and if there isn't, having cheese with it will be fine. What's really pissing me off though is that I was eating well before I started having these aversions. Now I can eat a fraction of that. I can eat like, four whole vegetable types, everything else is off the table, possibly permanently. There isn't much more of any food to get rid of, and that's what troubles me. It's done this once. Twice, if you count gallstones. What happens if it does it again?

And really, it's same old same old, as it has been since early 2022. I wake up physically and mentally languished. I have zero energy. Food will get me energy. But eating means I have to suffer the consequences of having eaten, but I have to do it, or else my head will not stop hurting. It takes a significant amount of mental fortitude to do this day in day out, especially when it is the only thing you do. Like. I don't think health care gets this. I would have stopped eating a long time ago if I could. The most I can hope for and have again achieved is to get to a point where my paradoxical diarrhoea is "manageable", where it happens regularly at the same time every day, but it's still there. It's nice not to have constant pain and nausea from the gallstones, but the trade-off has been a heavily lowered baseline to the point where I still can't see people and have to be more conservative with my energy than ever.

And it quite frankly sucks. Add in the fact my body is trying, and failing, to have a period, and is fighting the PMDD related brain gremlins... I don't have the energy for facing this. I fully expect my blood tests to come back as "you're fine" because they always do. Yeah, sure. I'm fine but you checking this has me paralysed in bed. Sure. Sounds fantastically fine.

I'm still working on Estelline's fic, on and off, to keep my mind watered, have been trying to play Heavensward when I can recall the last line of dialogue that was just on screen, poor levels of success. It's funny because fic is mostly just Sad. No one is having a good time. There's three sex scenes and they are all Sad, the two aftermath scenes following them are Sad, everyone is miserable. Until the end, when it becomes a bit more bittersweet. Classic Heavensward tbh.

I am, I think, mostly done with gpose... I lowered the amount for Prih, because actually, the moment I want you to see her for the first time is when Estelline really sees her for the first time, when she saves her life. It's visually poetic. The only thing I need is more Artoirel, but, patches. He moves around in patches. Please uncross your arms at least once, sir. I beg.

What else... I returned to Stadium in Overwatch, which I still don't really like. ( i am enjoying it more now that I figured out what to do with it but it's not really what I'm here for... )

Current Mood: tired

It's time for Competitive Drives again in Overwatch, which is an end of season chance to pick up bonus comp points. OW started doing this three seasons ago - at the time, I was very much out of comp as a mode, had not played in it for over three years due to the format being too stressful for me (number matter), and OW2 had removed all end of season comp rewards for rank so equally all incentive. Drives are the effective replacement for end of season rewards, and it's a "you get enough for a weapon skin" across all ranks for everyone if you play a reasonable number of games/win those games so. They successfully lured me back in.

When OW2 came out there was a lot of. How shall we say. Bugs due to account merging across platforms. ( unrelated to comp bugs ) I also experienced a bug where my comp points I had at the time were times'd by ten. So I went from 900 to 9000, or, three gold guns. (Some people got like. 35k points. WILDIN.) I spent those points on Junkerqueen, Lifeweaver, and Juno weapons, and those from the previous drives on Echo and Winston. I have 3k left, which I'm planning to spend on Freja sometime after she launches, and then I'm kind of set on golds for my characters I play often and well.

The first drive I only got 500 comp points as I hadn't done placements and decided like, second to last day I wanted in. Next season I was prepared and placed in everything, partly to satisfy my curiosity of what the game thought my rank now was. It was roughly as expected: Platinum 3 for support, and Platinum 4 for tank and dps. I played a bunch of games to get the 3000 points, won maybe 60%, and went up the tiniest amount to Plat 2. Where I stayed for the last set of drives - placements are biannually - because they had 6k points up for grabs but I didn't have the time due to PEM to do more than the basic 3k, and fortunately I only had to do less than half a dozen games for it as the drive score was generously low.

I don't really dig the galactic weapon designs - it removes all texture from a weapon on console and doesn't look great - but I like them more than the jades, and I have a few maybes, and we do seem to maybe be getting a wolf themed Italian robot lady at the end of the year (I'm in so much danger), so I was just, yeah I'll do drives again. Did my placements. Not in dps because that was a one time deal; I find it extra stressful and I unfortunately care too much about my Ashe winrate. Placed Plat 1 in support, Plat 2 in tank. Waited for drives. Played through the first two thresholds yesterday as tank and then the third and fourth today, in support queue.

tl;dr

(I still need to do the fifth threshold (me and duo tried but went on a losing streak due to some very questionable teammates), but my goal was to hit the fourth one today so being ahead was like, that's fine, I can do less tomorrow and if it doesn't work out I do more on Sunday.)

Unrelated to drives, I am sleeping a bit better (actually a number of hours) and had to give in with trying to contact the GP about food and digestion stuff, but I still have to wait another week for one to examine me before anything gets remotely rolling. Heaven forbid the NHS does anything quickly. I've had a bit of success with upping my omeprazole to see if it was stomach acid/bile making it worse and the answer was "yes" and "it does help and means I can eat and the swelling on the left side of my body went down because my body isn't screaming every time I put anything into it", but I'm not sure if I'm now getting headaches off it from the higher dose... or it's just my body's new pre-period thing. Because that showed up too, which. Explains a lot as to why it got worse, again. As usual all my abdomen issues vanished for a few hours as soon as I started bleeding. Absolutely an angle I'm going to force them on when I ask for allergy tests/blood tests/an ultrasound because I have very strong suspicions as to what the real cause of all of this is.

Current Mood: accomplished

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I wrecked my right thumb playing Detroit Become Human years ago, I ain't budging on this

for once, the bloods did not lie

health, heavensward, stadium

Drives weekend