requiems

Been feeling increasingly distressed at my inability to look after myself, aka, the fact I can't clean and dust my flat. 🫠 The dust in particular. I don't really know what to do about it; it's not something that can be done in a slow and steady fashion when the slow and steady you're now capable of is maybe one object per day. Like that is absolutely not achievable, not only as thing would be dusty again by the time I finish doing one area but because the base of where the object is has to be wiped down, all objects need to moved first.

Taking a week to do a section felt rough, taking a month to do an even smaller section felt worse, and now I can't do it at all. I am incredibly envious of normal bodies being able to entirely clean their living spaces in one or two afternoons. As always, if I didn't have to eat or clean up following that, imagine how many more spoons I might have... food truly is the source of all my predicaments...

I've thought about maybe just paying someone to clean but the only thing I'd be comfortable with someone doing that for would be my bathroom, and possibly the kitchen. Everything else is a no go; frankly I don't trust a stranger with being careful enough with my precious things, and I need to put things back in their proper places myself. There's also just, we're still in a pandemic lmao and I don't like strangers in my safe space considering I can't leave it and I can't tolerate having people in my living space as is (thanks PEM), I can't see my family. Anyways.

Still haven't had the energy to look into bathroom stuff - the weekend has been quiet on the noise front, but now the adrenaline has gone I feel awful and my body has taken this as a convenient means to wake up after four hours of sleep routinely again (bad). But amidst distress I've been recontemplating furniture. I have a desk in my room, which I don't use for intended purpose. I had it because when I moved out I was still studying and it was useful when living with someone. Since I got ME, and I was living alone before that, I have used it... maybe twice. If anything it's a convenient height surface to put things on. The drawer is useful, as is its side storage, but I might be better off getting some more billy bookcases (with doors), maybe shuffling the location of some stored things around, and using the new spaces as figure display...?? I'm still ruminating honestly. I do like the not-desk, I just think the space could be better utilised... it's a tough one.

Then there's the nagging voice of "but what if I need it (doesn't like change)" and "but what if I need it (I get better)". The second of those is a cruel thought to carry around. But this is how it always feels when removing society-normal things out of my life; it's having to admit that you won't, surrender a bit more hope, and mourn even more.

Current Mood: in pain

It's maintenance, it's been a week, figuratively and literally. The post groceries PEM only really started to lift yesterday (Sunday) and I still feel sluggish and as though I'm moving through wet cement, and that's with all my precautions. I should not leave the house on Wednesday for a blood test, but given they've made me wait six weeks for it, I don't really have a choice...

Food wise, I am mostly back to pre-November levels of paradoxical diarrhoea and constipation, by heavily restricting my diet, upping the fybogel, and taking gaviscon during the day with omeprazole at night. Some foods I don't fucking get. There is nothing in them ingredients wise that I have an aversion to, but they keep causing problems. Others are like, okay, is there too much fat content in this meal overall, and if there isn't, having cheese with it will be fine. What's really pissing me off though is that I was eating well before I started having these aversions. Now I can eat a fraction of that. I can eat like, four whole vegetable types, everything else is off the table, possibly permanently. There isn't much more of any food to get rid of, and that's what troubles me. It's done this once. Twice, if you count gallstones. What happens if it does it again?

And really, it's same old same old, as it has been since early 2022. I wake up physically and mentally languished. I have zero energy. Food will get me energy. But eating means I have to suffer the consequences of having eaten, but I have to do it, or else my head will not stop hurting. It takes a significant amount of mental fortitude to do this day in day out, especially when it is the only thing you do. Like. I don't think health care gets this. I would have stopped eating a long time ago if I could. The most I can hope for and have again achieved is to get to a point where my paradoxical diarrhoea is "manageable", where it happens regularly at the same time every day, but it's still there. It's nice not to have constant pain and nausea from the gallstones, but the trade-off has been a heavily lowered baseline to the point where I still can't see people and have to be more conservative with my energy than ever.

And it quite frankly sucks. Add in the fact my body is trying, and failing, to have a period, and is fighting the PMDD related brain gremlins... I don't have the energy for facing this. I fully expect my blood tests to come back as "you're fine" because they always do. Yeah, sure. I'm fine but you checking this has me paralysed in bed. Sure. Sounds fantastically fine.

I'm still working on Estelline's fic, on and off, to keep my mind watered, have been trying to play Heavensward when I can recall the last line of dialogue that was just on screen, poor levels of success. It's funny because fic is mostly just Sad. No one is having a good time. There's three sex scenes and they are all Sad, the two aftermath scenes following them are Sad, everyone is miserable. Until the end, when it becomes a bit more bittersweet. Classic Heavensward tbh.

I am, I think, mostly done with gpose... I lowered the amount for Prih, because actually, the moment I want you to see her for the first time is when Estelline really sees her for the first time, when she saves her life. It's visually poetic. The only thing I need is more Artoirel, but, patches. He moves around in patches. Please uncross your arms at least once, sir. I beg.

What else... I returned to Stadium in Overwatch, which I still don't really like.

( i am enjoying it more now that I figured out what to do with it but it's not really what I'm here for... )

Current Mood: tired

For the last two months or so, I've been having really bad problems with food.

( tl;dr context. )

I really cannot emphasise how much I despise food and eating at the best of times but fine body. Sure. I don't drink fizzy drinks, alcohol, don't eat meat, no dairy but one hard cheese only. I cut likely culprits like wheat and gluten, and that didn't work, so elected to go back to basics of just two ingredients for meals that I make for myself and working my way up again until I figured out what the specific thing it suddenly despised was.

Unfortunately the answer fucking sucks, because it's tomatoes.

Tomatoes. That I eat. In everything. That I have eaten my whole life, even in my "I will not and never will eat fruit and vegetables" stage. I will eat chilli or bolognese every day for weeks and never get bored of it. Those tomatoes.

Lmao, says my body.

Thankfully the symptoms are an intolerance over an allergy so it may only be temporary. It's not nightshades, only tomatoes. It doesn't care a whit about potatoes. Eat them taters, we still love 'em, for now. That tomato upset only happens five or so hours after eating it, lasts a few more with discomfort, it stops, blah blah. But. Do you know how many foods have tomatoes in them. Pretty much everything. It is so. Annoying. To cut out tomatoes for a few months to see if you can eat them again. And not to mention the disinterest I have with everything else that I don't have with tomatoes.

It also might not necessarily be tomatoes, but histamine from leftovers, because in my testing I did notice it cared less about meals I'd frozen and defrosted. I'll test his again later in a couple of months.

My body really likes making it difficult.

But wait, there's more!

( spoilers: it's not just tomatoes. )

So here I am, the day before groceries, sadly swapping food out because I can't eat tomatoes. My body really said "no vegetables and this time I MEAN IT". I really, really hope it doesn't develop aversions to asparagus and baby corn or carrots in the intervening time due to eating more of those.

One of these days I really will switch to solely eating fucking soup, lmao.

Current Mood: sore

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Entries tagged with irl: adventures in disability

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for perspective I'm writing this whilst unable to get out of bed to go to the bathroom, lol

health, heavensward, stadium

I uploaded this icon in anticipation of this entry, but even I underestimated my body.