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requiemsSo here I am, at the start of year ten. Ten years since I was was last well, and was unceremoniously written out of society and all common life milestones... and I'll likely still be in the same position at the start of year twenty, and thirty, if I make it that long.
On the plus side, bad days are done for another year. For the first time in many years, I didn't feel my grief for it as profoundly as I usually do: I was very mellow, I only cried once (and that was over thinking about Ashe experiencing healing from receiving love from her chosen family on days she would have felt most lonely) (I want her to be cherished so badly), and the 25th was blissful in the sense of how silent it was. Not a single sound that was not being made by me or allowed into my periphery. Beautiful. My entire block of flats is empty right now, and there was no street noise at all for over twelve hours and what this tells me is I need to move to the middle of the moors or something lmao, noise sensitivity is a continuous curse. :') I will get a little repeat of this for NYD, so that will be nice.
I've also reached the point, after perhaps six years, of not... missing it? This is normality to me now. I still yearn and want things, but there comes a year you get really bent out of shape about it and cry a lot, and that's kind of the acceptance that you won't ever get to do those things again. It still hurts sometimes because ofc it does, but it's not destroying you anymore. I still have to avoid any and all mention of what those days are, but it's something?
I've been mostly playing Silksong for three days, interspersed with occasionally tidying in the other bedroom by flattening boxes/packaging when my brain has been too on fire from atmospheric pressure. I'm reaching a point of most of my furniture projects being ninety percent done individually so need to go through everything temporarily stored again to tackle what's leftover... and continue with Silksong. I'm almost through Act 1, so I'll make a post about bosses soon, I think. It's been frustratingly fun and a fantastic distraction when I needed it most.
On the plus side, bad days are done for another year. For the first time in many years, I didn't feel my grief for it as profoundly as I usually do: I was very mellow, I only cried once (and that was over thinking about Ashe experiencing healing from receiving love from her chosen family on days she would have felt most lonely) (I want her to be cherished so badly), and the 25th was blissful in the sense of how silent it was. Not a single sound that was not being made by me or allowed into my periphery. Beautiful. My entire block of flats is empty right now, and there was no street noise at all for over twelve hours and what this tells me is I need to move to the middle of the moors or something lmao, noise sensitivity is a continuous curse. :') I will get a little repeat of this for NYD, so that will be nice.
I've also reached the point, after perhaps six years, of not... missing it? This is normality to me now. I still yearn and want things, but there comes a year you get really bent out of shape about it and cry a lot, and that's kind of the acceptance that you won't ever get to do those things again. It still hurts sometimes because ofc it does, but it's not destroying you anymore. I still have to avoid any and all mention of what those days are, but it's something?
I've been mostly playing Silksong for three days, interspersed with occasionally tidying in the other bedroom by flattening boxes/packaging when my brain has been too on fire from atmospheric pressure. I'm reaching a point of most of my furniture projects being ninety percent done individually so need to go through everything temporarily stored again to tackle what's leftover... and continue with Silksong. I'm almost through Act 1, so I'll make a post about bosses soon, I think. It's been frustratingly fun and a fantastic distraction when I needed it most.
